Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I thought about sending you a letter this year, but decided that, since your global intelligence network already is keeping tabs on me to see if I have been naughty or nice, I thought it would be safe just to post this on my blog. Besides, it's environmentally friendly... sort of. I mean, sure I could have chopped down a tree and written this all out on it's pulp, but instead I'm just storing it on a computer server that is happily humming away burning a few kilowatts every now and then. You'll have to tell me which you prefer because, honestly, I think I'm contributing to greenhouse gasses either way and if I keep it up, by the time I hit fifty your workshop may be located on a house boat around where the north pole used to be. If that happens, I'm fairly certain you could relocate to the northeastern corner of Pennsylvania because it's just about as cold as where you live right now. Anyway, you already know that I'm on Al Gore's naughty list, so I'll just skip the greenwashing.

So how are things up at the polar ice caps? (Do most people that write letters to you just jump straight into asking for things for Christmas? Because I think that they should at least have a few informalities to take care of first.) Don't you live next door to Superman's Fortress of Solitude? If you could get me one of those crystals that he has in there, I would certainly enjoy it. Wait, I wasn't supposed to jump into my list of greed just quite yet. Sorry. How is what's-her-name, your mistress? What IS her name, anyway? We've got plenty of names for you, but she is just known as Mrs. Claus to the rest of us. What would you like for us to set out for you this year when you come to the house? The same old milk and cookies? Or would you like something more wholesome like some bran flakes? If you get a little bit more peckish, feel free to look in the fridge. I'm sure we'll have lots of leftover food from that night. Just don't take all of the Nesquik or else you'll be on my Dad's naughty list.

Well, on to the list of demands for this year. I'm sure you already know what types of temporal goods I am wishing for this year, seeing as I emailed my Amazon.com wish list to you earlier this month. Any of those items will do just fine, seeing as all of my needs are met, really. This year is the first year that we will have had Christmas with a security system on the house, so you'll have to ask my mom what the passcode is for it. I don't want to be awoken to a fright on Christmas Eve with sirens going off everywhere.

There are a few things I just would like to discuss with you in terms of non-temporal goods that would be nice to have: First, could you please get Osama bin Laden for the CIA? I would really like to have that all over with and besides, I'm pretty sure that he doesn't really celebrate Christmas and probably refers to you as 'that fat infidel in the red suit'. I just would really like all that mess in that area of the world to be over with so that all of the soldiers could spend their time doing other things that they can tell their families about. If it's not too much trouble, could you try and fit bin Laden in your big bag and drop him off at the following address:

c/o Leon Panetta
Army Navy Dr. & Fern St.
Arlington, VA 22202

I would appreciate it.

Next, let's talk about my love life. Thankfully, I'm now back in an area of the country where I can go out on a lot more dates and be around more people my age. It would be selfish and wrong of me to ask you to deliver the perfect woman to me in a bag (that would also qualify as kidnapping, so I'd prefer to skip a felony on my record). Instead, I would hope that you can somehow help me be a better man, preferably one that doesn't turn into a shy, melting glob of man-goo whenever he tries to talk to a woman that he considers stunningly beautiful. I'm pretty sure your intelligence agents have managed to pick up a conversation or two in their surveillance where this was blatantly obvious. They probably also know in whom my current romantic interests lie, so anything you can do to help would be, uh, helpful. But please just don't send me a copy of The Secret and tell me to read it. I have read it and there is a whole lot more to life than just imagining stuff happening. Trust me. I'm an animator and have a HUGE imagination. So far I still don't have a giant battle robot at my command.

Another thing, if you could please do something about the huge vein on Tom Cruise's forehead to make it not noticeable, I, and many others, would appreciate it. I can't sit through any of his films without staring at it the whole time.

Now if you could do me a favor and just do something to watch out for my parents. This year my dad lost one of his best friends and fishing buddies. It's had a noticeable impact on his attitude towards his life and he's been making a point to do as many things with us young'ns as he can. I don't think he's expecting to die tomorrow, but if you could just ensure that he gets to do as much as he can, I know we would all appreciate it as well. I would like him to see all of my kids born (which given my current track record, isn't going to happen in the foreseeable future. See the above paragraph that starts with, "Next, let's talk about my love life."). I didn't get to know one of my grandmothers at all, which is a shame because I know she was a darn magnificent lady. Anyway, you'll know what would be best.

On a side note, could you also ensure that John Travolta and Robin Williams never make movies ever again? Or that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan ever do anything in public ever again? That's one of the things that the world needs more of.

Just one more thing, if you have a minute. I've been thinking about it for a little while and I don't think that the world needs more things in it this year. It just needs more good memories. I'll be honest. I don't remember what you delivered to me for Christmas when I was five. However, I do remember eating shrimp and pizza with my family that New Years Eve and having a great time (until I ate too much and threw up). I don't remember what clothes I got when I was twelve. But I do remember playing floor hockey all night long and caroling with the Puzey Family. I don't remember what was under the tree when I was the only one left at home for Christmas. Instead, I remember my parents inviting over those in our ward who were going to be all alone that Christmas Eve to spend an evening with us. I don't remember everything that you sent me for Christmas last year, but I do remember having a hard time when there really wasn't any family around for me to spend it with. Essentially, if you can tell, I think the only things we will find valuable are the good memories that we take with us. Electronics will get outdated, toys will break apart, and clothes will wear out. But our memories will be something that we get to take with us. So, please, for the sake of everyone, maybe you could leave a few X-Boxes, plasma televisions, and Blackberry Storms in your bag when you finally get back to the North Pole late Christmas Morning. Maybe you could show us that those things really aren't what we need in the end, despite how much we may want them. That, if you could do it, would be something I, personally, would appreciate.

Well, this has gone on too long already. I'm sure you need to get to whomever is next on your list of people to check out. Brett Reynolds, is it? Anyway, have a Merry Christmas, Santa, and fly safely.


-Brad Reynolds

P.S. By the way, President Obama just mandated that you can't sit on the tarmac loaded with toys for more than three hours without unhitching the reindeer. Just FYI so you don't get fined by the FAA.


The Burnetts said...

One of your finest posts yet my friend!!

Susan said...

I hope you get everything you asked for.

Sally said...

Way to make me cry after Christmas...