Letter to Santa - 2012

Dear Santa,

I'm sure, since you're the ultimate authority on naughty and niceness that your tech-elves have devised various data-mining algorithms to detect key phrases via the internet.  For example I'm sure that should I include the words coal, stocking, and reindeer manure in a blog page, I would automatically be put on the naughty watch list... well, hopefully that didn't put me on your watch list right now.  Anyway, since we're encouraged to be greenwashed environmentally conscious, like the previous years I decided just to post my Christmas letter to you this year on my blog in hopes that one of your vast cyber-elflings would stumble across it and pass the message along.

First things first, I have to tell you that when you stop by our chimney this year, you probably won't need to wear that fur coat of yours.  Honestly, it's going to be 80° outside this week, I think.  Maybe wear a breathable, yet modest, outfit and you'll be good.  You might want to bring a pancho, though, just in case we have rain on Christmas Eve.   The forecast doesn't seem to be calling for any, but I only trust it to within the next twelve hours.  Meteorology, in my eyes, falls in the same category as astrology and bone-reading.

Next I should point out that we actually do have a chimney this year.  For the past few years, every place I have lived has been sans-chimney, except for this year when we moved to a place that is hotter than the fires of hades during the summer.  I can't figure out what in the world someone would use a chimney for in Texas, except as maybe a launch tube for fireworks?  Anyway, when you come down our chimney, please try and shut the damper on your way in and out.  I've had enough standoffs with palmetto cockroaches in the past three months that I'd prefer not to invite any more of them in.

My little girl is looking forward to seeing what you bring her this year, although to be honest, I don't think she has a clue what is going on.  She seems to be confused that we're encouraging her to rip up paper only two days out of the year when the rest of the year she is forbidden from doing so.  Sorry that we didn't take her to see one of your helpers in the mall this year.  We really didn't want to pay $25 for a picture of her screaming.  If we wanted that, there are plenty of ways to achieve that within the comfort of our own home.

I don't know if you've got anything in your bag for me this year, but if you can manage a bit of employment stability this year, that would be great.  I was very fortunate to land a very fulfilling job at a NASA contractor doing what I love doing and receiving all the perks that make it worthwhile.  Honestly, I hope to be at it for a while, but with the looming fiscal cliff, I have a feeling of dread in my stomach.  (As a side note, for the longest time my attitude has been to let the government fail at all the problems that it has caused itself... but now that my paycheck in large is determined by the decisions of the federal government, I find myself whistling a different tune.  It's gut-wrenching at times.)  However, that's the only thing on my list, if you think you can make that happen.  After that, I'll worry about things myself.

In case you haven't heard, we have another little baby on the way in March, a boy.  If you have a little bit of R&R in your sack for the missus, I'm sure she'd love that.

I think you've spread out the Christmas gifts for us all year long this past year. It's been a relatively good year.  I got frustrated looking for jobs, but now that I'm settled in, I can't really complain.  The rent is paid, the car is running, and everyone is healthy.  For that, we are grateful.

Well, my daughter is whining downstairs, so I'd better go dig up some R&R from my own sack to give to my wife.  Have a merry Christmas, Santa, and don't use Apple Maps to get to our house.

-Brad Reynolds

1 comment:

Nathan said...

If you want a photo of your crying child, you could recruit the palmetto cockroaches to get the job done!